Sun & Moon

This week our twins, Lincoln & Logan, will turn five months old. I’m simultaneously torn between wanting to freeze time & wanting to see the next stage. Each stage seems to be more precious than the last. I’ve really been enjoying month four. This month much more personality has emerged in each boy. I see Nathan and myself in each kid, in different ways. 

Lincoln, older by 3 minutes, exudes many personality traits of his Mama. He isn’t calm, he does not like to wait, and he’s outgoing. He’s also 100% little dude. He loves burping, tooting, & pooping. He wakes up all sunshine in the morning. He loves thrilling activities. You can pick him up by his feet, toss him in the air, etc. the more dangerous the activity, the more he laughs & smiles. He is always on the move. I’d wager he will walk first. He flirts with all the ladies, everywhere we go. He snores. He snorts when he laughs. He sticks everything in his mouth. He is demanding. He wants to touch everything. Now he is growing blonde hair. His other hobbies include: random shouting, fighting naps, sticking his fingers in his throat causing him to gag himself, listening to stories, smacking things in the exersaucer. 

Logan, our baby, gets a lot of traits from his daddy. He’s an old soul, a quiet man, a quirky little guy. He’s growing brown hair. He’s leery of strangers, but loves being held.  He wakes up and quietly plays with his feet for awhile before he informs you that indeed, he’s ready for attention. He loves music & when you sing at him. He smiles with his entire face. He has great eye contact and so much wants to communicate with Lincoln (who won’t look at him most of the time). He sleeps through the night, isn’t interested in standing or crawling, and seemingly wants to be my baby always. He won’t hold his bottle, loves to cuddle up with me, and enjoys being in the swing. When he does cry, he makes sounds dogs can hear, and he’s the kind of baby that stays happy when he’s sick. I think he’s empathic, he is extra sweet when I’m having a hard day. 

They are my sun & my moon, respectively. 

Down with August

I had a panic attack tonight. 

I never used to have panic attacks. Panic attacks, a place in which I can’t control my breathing or how hard my heart is beating or my mind from speeding. I started getting these panic attacks roughly…oh, 4 months ago. 

What a specific time you say?

Well, it coincides with the birth of our twins.  Everything about them compounded with the life I lead before them just spells disaster. Tonight I had another one of those moments. It occurred because it’s August. August is the worst month ever. Don’t believe me?

Ask a teacher. 

I’ve been working nonstop since the middle of July on my classroom and for my students. Working in my classroom where the air conditioning is about as reliable as McDonalds is at getting your order right. Working hard to locate my classroom things that were packed up without me present because maternity leave

All in the prepping in the world means nothing until you get your class list though in the world of the littles. I got my list Thursday afternoon. Then went and sat in inservice Friday morning. The kids showed up for preview day at 1:00. It’s been like a fast forwarding viewing of Titanic sinking on repeat since then. 

Prepare. Help others. Lose a student. Gain three. “My child actually goes by…” Change all their names on things. Pass out papers. Collect. Assemble binders. Send things home. Sort school supplies. Comfort cries. Teach rules and procedures. But make it fun. Stand on concrete floor (under pretty tile) for 14+ hours for the first time since like October because pregnancy. Team meetings. Group planning. Throwing out th plans because the district changed things again. Helping new people, helping people that are floundering. All of these things, so small, small parts of my job that I actually love. All combined make August pretty hard. 

Did I mention my birthday is Friday?

Then I come home. And I love coming home! My babies are so happy to see me! Our nanny is the best. She works whatever hours and makes my kids happy and comfortable in their own home. She sends me updates and pictures. I try to make sure we keep our home organized to make life easier for her and we keep all the snacks on hand. 

Before I had kids at the beginning of the school year, I’d be so exhausted, I’d come home and nap every day the first couple weeks because there is no tired like beginning of the year teacher tired. Now I have infants, and napping isn’t optional. Everyone needs me. So home at 4 to care for kids. Daddy comes home and after a shower he’s hands on with the kids. At this time, all the following occur daily: dinner is made, bottles are made, dishes are either washed or put away, laundry is either started or put away (sometimes both), & trash goes out. 

{I love all those posts about how you shouldn’t bother with these things when your kids are small. I want to know where those people live! The city dump?! I just don’t know how life functions when basic chores get ignored.}

Eventually I get the kids fed 3 times or so from the time I get home until I drag myself to bed between 10-11.  Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

So what happened today?

Baby Lincoln sat up unassisted.

And I missed it. Our nanny took all the pictures and sent them my way (I was at school still then.) and I smiled big smiles. Came home. Same routine. Care for babies, do chores, make food. 

I was thinking about it all while doing my chores and then my breathing got weird and I was crying and I couldn’t get a handle on things. 

Because I am so scared I’m going to miss everything. I am so scared I’m going to blink and miss their lives. 

I went and held my babies and cried and cried and then I started to feel better. 

But oh man,

Do I hate August. 

Just a Little Request

Dear Babies,

My heart absolutely breaks over the idea of you getting older. So please, don’t. I wish you’d stay this small always, in so many ways, I really wish this. I love you, small babies. I love the way you smell after a bath, warm & indescribable-baby-scented. I love your little gummy smiles, mouths unchecked with evil teeth. I love how your whole face lights up when I talk or sing to you. I love watching your little hairs grow, remember when you didn’t even have eyelashes? I remember. I love the way you hold your pacifiers in with tiny, closed fists. I love how you long to be held, to cuddle, to snuggle with me. I love how you make me feel important, needed, & the most special woman in the world.  I love how you don’t think to doubt me, but instead always trust me to care for you. Little babies I think and talk about you all the time, and I love sharing pictures of you. I love hearing other people vocalize the things I see in you, how beautiful, happy, funny, & precious you are. Please don’t get bigger, babies, I’m scared of what the word will do to you. I’m so scared I can’t protect you from the evil in this world. Can you please stay small? Small enough that I can pick you up & hold you against my heart. Babies, I love how you now know each other, talk to each other in your special way, laugh at each other, and reach for each other. I love the way you play with your dad and the people you’re turning us into. Can you stay so small? So small that when you wake up in the night your first thought is, I want my Mama, she makes everything better. I love your chubby cheeks & your tiny toes. I love your huge bright eyes & bobbleheads. I love your leg rolls & how absolutely none of your clothes fit right. I love how you sleep in longer chunks now, and how big you can yawn. I love how your problems are so limited. Hunger, wet diaper, exhaustion, or loneliness. I love how easy it is to soothe away your tantrums and how forgiving people are when I take you out in public. Little babies, I love how you love blankets, music, and me. Honestly, what if you grow up & you quit loving me as much as you do now? I don’t know if I can handle it. So I’m asking you the impossible, little babies, I know, but can you still little as long as a little while can last? Just a little while longer, please, cause I’d like to make it last. 



10 Fictional Characters I Relate To (& Love)

I have watched my share of television. I always try to find characters I relate to, some series feature a character I relate to more than others. I’m going to share 10 of mine, feel free to share some of yours, or let me know if you relate to some of them, too!  I am strictly relegating this to television series. 

10. Olivia Dunham: Fringe

Bad things happened to her, things she doesn’t remember. A man spends his life trying to convince her he truly loves her.  I pled, yet simple, just trying to do her job, but she gets caught up in a mess. She also usually fixes it and somehow learns something along the way. 

9. Bernadette Rostenkowski: The Big Bang Theory

Embrace your inner nerd. Bernadette resonates with my nerdy tendencies and how I too, married a nerdy good guy. 

8. Lily Aldrin: How I Met Your Mother

She’s the glue that holds everyone together. Wife, mother, friend. Constantly questioning herself, but her good motives always shine through her blunders. 

7. Julia Braverman: Parenthood

Uptight, controlling, type a personality. Gets thrown a lot of life at once. Struggles to make life better. 

6. Juliet Burke: Lost

Know it all. Passionate about helping others. Hurt immensely by her past. Brilliant. 

5. Cristina Yang: Grey’s Anatomy

She needs a person. She gets cynical, dark, & twisty inside. Others make her better. Fiercely intelligent and competitive. 

4. Rory Gilmore: Gilmore Girls

Let me begin with a #TeamLogan and then move on to say #AnyoneButDean. Rory is a smart girl, from a poor home, chatty, big dreams, big heart, small town. 

3. Pam Beesly: The Office

I like Pam. She’s entirely ordinary. Normal life. Normal things happen to her. She’s witty and friendly, she doesn’t stir the drama pot. 

2. Shawn Hunter: Boy Meets World

The only male to make the list. I grew up watching Shawn Hunter grow up on television and hoping and praying he’d turn out okay in the end because I needed to know I’d turn out okay in the end. Spoiler: We did. 

1. Monica Gellar: Friends 

Like many women, I’m a Monica. Obsessive, OCD, people-pleasing, loser-becomes-likeable, kind, but crazy Monica. I even cook & clean. I plan and organize. No surprise here. 

10 Movies That Will Make You Feel Good About The World

If you’re needing a movie pick-me-up Have I got the list for you! I’ve been thinking about movies that I gravitate toward when I want to feel better about the world or my life, those films I watch again & again and came up with this list. Something here is guaranteed to cheer your soul.

10. Meet the Robinsons (Animated)

This Disney film is vastly underrated. Upon first glance, it doesn’t look like something I’d personally be interested in, but hear me out, the storyline is beautiful and touching. This movie is the story of an orphan boy, who gets the opportunity to go into the future, back to the past, all to look for his mother who left him; only to find the family he never knew he’d have. A story of perseverance, learning to let others love you, the value of hard work, & “keep moving forward.” I happy-ugly cry at the ending, every single time I watch it.

9. Forrest Gump (Drama/Historical)

A classic. I feel like I understand more things about this film every time I watch it. Granted, it is a long film, but I always come away from it with a sense of peace. Like if Forrest can make it through life, I can, too. Also, although it’s a fiction I love the looks into history it provides my non-historical oriented mind. “My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”

8. Hitch (Romantic Comedy)

Will Smith should get some awards. Honestly, I don’t know that he hasn’t, but he’s a wonderful actor to me. Hitch is hands-down my favorite comedy to watch when I’m feeling down. It’s so funny, so sweet, just a guy who wants to make life easier for other men that are out there trying to get the girl. Kevin James stars alongside Smith in this film as the most awkward man in history with his sights set on winning the heart of a Diaz-like actress.  “So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.”

7. Miracle on 34th Street (Christmas)

Christmas movies always make me feel better about the world. I fall in the minority here, but I love the newer version of this movie. A very serious little girl grows up not believing in Santa with her single mom during the Christmas season. But she comes to believe she’s met the real Santa and has to work with a lawyer & her mother to prove to New York that he’s the real deal. I’m not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I I I’m a symbol. I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.”

6. Big Fish (Adventure/Drama)

This movie is strange, but I love it every time.  You follow the life of Edward Bloom, from birth to death, as his jaded son looks back on the “tall tales” his father has always told.  The stories of his life, weather real or not (you decide) are entrancing.  It’s a star-studded cast for the adventurer who loves a good story.  There’s a scene that has always stuck with me. “Sandra Templeton, I love you and I WILL marry you!”

Big Fish
5. Rise of the Guardians (Animated/Christmas)

I don’t know if I’m going to teach the twins to believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Santa, etc. but this movie (featuring them) makes me wonder.  Meet Jack Frost, he just wants to be seen.  In this movie, he fights with the other Guardians to defeat Pitch Black (voiced by Jude Law) who is trying to fill the world with his nightmares.  There’s something beautiful that every childlike heart can relate to; how to overcome your fears, how chilling it is to wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, how encouraging it is to have something to believe in.  I particularly enjoy the voice actors here, Chris Pine & Jude Law.  “We go by many names, and take many forms. We bring wonder and hope, we bring joy and dreams.”

4. Spirited Away (Anime)

My friend, Laura, introduced me to Hayao Miyazaki with this film.  He is an excellent film writer & director.  This is a beautiful story and the animation is breathtaking.  During her family’s move to the suburbs, a sullen 10-year-old girl wanders into a world ruled by gods, witches, and spirits, and where humans are changed into beasts.  I can’t relate to the story as an American (but who can really relate to an anime story line?), but I can appreciate it.  I can appreciate fighting for your parents.  I can appreciate having to work hard as a child.  I can appreciate fighting for what’s right and helping friends and being kind.  Watch it.  You won’t be disappointed.  “What’s going on here?  Something you wouldn’t recognize.  It’s called love.”

3. Practical Magic (Comedy/Fantasy)

This is a very personal choice for me.  I take you back to the 90’s, with a young Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman.  If you are a woman, you are either a Sally or a Gillian.  As a younger person I was a Gillian, 28 year old me is a Sally.  This was my best friend’s very favorite movie and we identified oppositely.  Two witch sisters, raised by their eccentric aunts in a small town, face closed-minded prejudice and a curse which threatens to prevent them ever finding lasting love. No, I’m not a witch, but I watch this movie at least 3 times a year.  The soundtrack is pretty amazing too, by the way.  “Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. “

2. Matilda (Children/Comedy)

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.”  Confession:  I wanted to be Miss Honey when I grew up.  I knew I wanted to be a teacher, but I wanted to be the Miss Honey sort of teacher.  The kind that really cared for her students.  I’m doing okay at that.  Matilda is a wonderful little girl, who happens to be a genius, and her wonderful teacher vs. the worst parents ever and the worst school principal imaginable.

1. You’ve Got Mail (Romantic Comedy)

A lot of people would file this away as a typical romcom, but for whatever reason, I love it.  I love Meg Ryan, she may be my spirit animal (or actress, lol), and Tom Hanks is adorkable in this film.  Kathleen owns a small book shop, Joe and his patriarchy own a “big brand” book store.  Joe’s company buys out all the book shops in the area and Kathleen is distraught trying to live out her dreams while the big bad bookstore tries to crush her spirit.  Meanwhile, Joe and Kathleen have met in a chat room (Remember THOSE days?) and have become fast anonymous friends.  “The odd thing about this form of communication is that you’re more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.”

100 Thoughts I Had Walking Back Into My Classroom Today

  1. My to-do list is a whole page long. 
  2. I’m gonna get a lot done today. 
  3. Nope. Nope. No, I’m not. 
  4. Why are there so many desks?
  5. Where are the matching chairs?
  6. Thank goodness Jill’s kids will work for cookies. 
  7. Jill’s son is like a grown man now. What?
  8. If I listen to this boy talk nonstop, he is helpful. 
  9. Former student! Aw, he’s so big!
  10. I’m hot. Is there air broken again?
  11. Great.  I look like garbage. 
  12. Okay, the furniture is in place & I didn’t scratch the floor!
  13. How many spiders have taken up residence in my classroom? I’ve encountered 3 dead ones and 7 live ones so far. 
  14. Make that 8.
  15. I’m tired. 
  16. My colleagues are much farther ahead of me. 
  17. My colleagues look so much more put together than me. 
  18. Come on body! Get it together. 
  19. I wonder what my babies are doing?
  20. I’m hot. Is the air broken again?
  21. Let me just FaceTime Nathan at home with the babies. 
  22. They’re so cute! Laughing! Aw!
  23. I should go home. Now. 
  24. Nope. Stay the course. Work. 
  25. I need to switch out my bulletin boards. 
  26. I don’t want to. 
  27. Do it anyway. 
  28. Where’s my staple remover?
  29. Where’s my stapler?
  30. I need to start a shopping list. Add stapler. 
  31. Cross off stapler. 
  32. This would be so much easier if I had been here at the end of last year. 
  33. I have no regrets. 
  34. Let me go check and see how Emily is doing. 
  35. That was a mistake. I want to cry. Her room looks so much cuter than mine. 
  36. My new calendar set is adorable!
  37. Ashley is such an encouraging mom!
  38. For the fifth time, I didn’t bring the twins because I would not get anything done. Also, it’s too hot here. 
  39. Work wall complete. 
  40. So many visitors today!
  41. Yay! All the lightbulbs in my 4 lamps still work!
  42. I’m so glad I laminated all this stuff early. 
  43. I’m tired. 
  44. I think I spent all my BEP funds already. 
  45. Where is my broom?
  46. Gone. Long gone. 
  47. Add broom to shopping list. 
  48. I should go to the restroom. 
  49. I can wait. 
  50. Shirley’s grand babies are so precious!
  51. I need to switch out the water filter on the sink. 
  52. That’s gross. 
  53. 4 dead spiders. 1 unidentifiable insect. 
  54. Drink water. 
  55. Free stuff?!
  56. What happened to my rug?
  57. Sara is so sweet to let me borrow her carpet cleaner. 
  58. Let me just call home. 
  59. I wanna go home.
  60. My library is a wreck. 
  61. I’ll organize that later.
  62. Like next week. 
  63. It’s not that hot in here. 
  64. Tylenol. 
  65. Drink water. 
  66. I’m tired. 
  67. Time to eat lunch. With Emily!
  68. Marianne is the sweetest!
  69. I love her library. Her shelves are the best ever. 
  70. Bianca’s curtains are pretty!
  71. The school looks really great!
  72. There are a lot of new teachers this year. Again. I hope they like me. 
  73. That bruise on my leg looks awful. 
  74. I don’t need this. I don’t need that. 
  75. I wish I had taken time to drink coffee this morning. 
  76. It was so sweet of Cassie to donate supplies to my classroom!
  77. I need to take this to Christina’s classroom. 
  78. I need a mini fridge. 
  79. I can pick it up today! Huzzah!
  80. Pfftt. I need to pump. 
  81. Okay now I have to go to the restroom. 
  82. Better. What now?
  83. Oh! I know. Fix the hallway work display. 
  84. That looks good. Are those clips evenly spaced?
  85. Nope. Oh well. 
  86. I miss my babies. 
  87. I’m gonna need to write lesson plans. 
  88. Later. Like much later. 
  89. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
  90. That’s trash. 
  91. I have FIVE trash cans?
  92. And only 1 has a liner?
  93. Where are my student whiteboards?
  94. My rug is curling from being rolled up all summer. 
  95. Bye bye old classroom themes of years past! Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!
  96. Maybe someone new wants this stuff because free is free when you’re new. 
  97. I mean, none of my things matched my first year. 
  98. I want to leave. 
  99. I’m going to leave. 
  100. I’m exhausted. My to-do list is 3 pages long. I didn’t get anything done today. 

9 Underrated Newborn Items

If you read my last blog, you know I’ve been dwelling on helpful & not-so-much newborn items. I blame my friends that are pregnant for this, because my mind is whirling about thinking about great baby shower gifts. Also, I head back to teaching in a couple weeks & let’s face it: Teachers are always having babies. It’s never a bad idea to have some gift ideas running on the back burner. A couple days ago I shared with you some overrated newborn items, so to balance things out, today I’m going to share with you some underrated items.  Here are 9 items I have loved & appreciated that maybe, just maybe don’t cross the shower-shopper’s mind…

  1. Diaper Bag Backpack. This was easily an essential for having twin newborns. When you’re toting around 2 car seats, you don’t have an extra arm or hand to carry around the diaper bag, and your spouse isn’t always readily available. Enter: Diaper bag backpack. 
  2. Various Bottle Brands. Bottles were trial and error for us at first. I was thankful some people didn’t heed my registry and bought us different bottles to try. What works for one baby doesn’t always work for both. What works at one developmental point isn’t what’s best at a later developmental point. I’m pretty sure we’ve tried them all and, sadly, as I feared, for us Dr. Brown won. 
  3. Babybum Paddles. Pet peeve: Diaper rash cream under my nails. The smell is atrocious. But these little bum spatulas take that annoyance away. Yes, these are so extra, yes, I love them anyway. 
  4. Fuzzy Blankets.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: These are the best. My boys are super cuddly and love a soft feeling in their hands or by their cheek. 
  5. Storage Containers & Bins. You cannot have enough for organizing all the tiny items. I am convinced. 
  6. Bottle Soap. This soap is specifically designed to break down the residue that milk and formula leave behind. Super gentle at the same time. 
  7. Outfit Sets. I didn’t register our twins for clothes. We were gifted so many gently used clothes. But I was always super tickled (& still am) to receive outfit sets. You know why? Because I keep them clipped together. They match. I don’t have to sort through tops & bottoms to find matches. Life made easier. 
  8. High Chairs & Other Toddler-Esque Items. People love to love on newborns. But what about toddlers? Kids that eat solids? Several people thought of this and I have those items thoughtfully stores away for the day they come of need, and bonus: It’s an expense we won’t have to foot. 
  9. Larger Diapers. Sooo many newborn diapers. Which we later had changed for sizes we lacked. I appreciate those who thought ahead and bought the size 3-5.

9 Overrated Newborn Items

It’s all in personal preference, but here are 9 items I’ve found to be overrated since we brought the twinfants home in March. (In no particular order.)

  1. Muslin Swaddle Blankets. These things were a joke for our boys. First of all, I had to watch numerous YouTube videos on how to swaddle properly. Then when I did figure it out, my babies could wiggle right on out within 10 minutes. So much for sound sleep. We use them as regular blankets instead now. Better suggestion: SwaddleMe Velcro Sleep Sacks. 
  2. Wipeable Changing Pad Cover. I like the idea of this. Especially when baby is small and pees on the changing table. However, that wipeable material…stays cold. My babies didn’t like being put on that cold material. Better suggestion: Minky changing of cover. Soft and textured for baby to rub hands on during changing. 
  3. Baby Lotion. We’ve used baby lotion like once in 4 months. There just hasn’t been a need for it. Better suggestion: Moisturizing baby wash. 
  4. Receiving Blankets. Okay, I feel like I’m gonna catch some heat here, but so be it. We actually have 50+ of these blankets, a very popular baby shower gift. Our babies were not interested in these. They do get used though, we put them on babies’ laps while we feed and burp them to catch spit up mostly. Better suggestion: Fuzzy Blankets. Warmer and textured. 
  5. Baby Hats, Mittens, & Socks. Admittedly we had spring babies, so there was little need for these items to begin with. We did use all 3 the first few times we took them out of the house, but never again.  Better suggestion: Fuzzy carseat blanket. 
  6. Cute Bibs. You know the ones with sayings on them like, “Mommy’s Little Man”? Those don’t absorb what my kids are spitting out. Better suggestion: Solid, plain bibs. 
  7. Baby Food/Diaper Tracker Pad. I was told by so many people to keep up with feedings and diaper changes on these (expensive) notepads. No. Too confusing, and who has time to write everything down?  Better suggestion: Baby Connect app. $5 to have all info on baby saved forever. Syncs across all devices (from mommy to daddy to nanny) and you can pull up info immediately to show pediatrician when he says, “How many BMs has baby had this week?” “Hmmm, let me check, oh, 5.”
  8. Baby Music. No, it can wait until toddler years or longer, that is all I’m gonna say about this one.  Better suggestion: Sound machine. 
  9. Dreft Detergent. Maybe we just lucked out, but after the first couple washes where Dreft left all the spitup stains on th it things…I started washing their things in the same detergent we use, and it hasn’t bothered the boys in the slightest. Dreft is easily the most expensive detergent, even if you buy the off brand. Better suggestion: If baby will tolerate it, keep using what you like. 

Catch the blog in a couple days for a similar-themed post. 

I see you, Mama.

I see you, Mama, scrolling through your social media feed and seeing all the other moms back in their pre-pregnancy clothes. I see how your maternity wardrobe is still in use many months postpartum. Me too, Mama. 

I see you, Mama, avoiding the mirror, because it’s just easier on you psychologically. It’s easier to avoid looking into your dark circles, irritated skin, hair falling out by the handful, stretch marks from here to there, loose flabby skin, & surgery wounds…than to jump on the next postpartum diet fad train. Me too, Mama. 

I see you, Mama, body leaking from seemingly everywhere. I see your body constantly getting spit up on, thrown up on, peed on, pooped on. I won’t tell how many days it’s been since you had a real shower, I won’t tell how many minutes after that shower you actually get to feel clean. Me too, Mama, me too. 

I see you, Mama, crying quietly (or not so) in the shower, because you don’t know how one more day, because you just need a minute, because daddy is home right now, because you are so overwhelmed you feel like you’re drowning. Me too, Mama. 

I see you, Mama, asking for advice about baby, only to be berated for how you choose to raise your baby. I see you trying your best, I see you loving your baby, I see you defending your choices, I see the others trying to shame you. Me too, Mama. Stay strong. Keep doing what’s best for your family. 

I see you, Mama, ready to go back to work, but simultaneously feeling guilty about leaving baby & already missing baby. Me too, Mama. 

I see you, Mama, ready for bed, but that’s too bad, because you’re the Mama. I see baby is asleep and now it’s time to wash dishes & bottles, prepare more bottles, put away that load of laundry & start the next one. I see you smirking at that quip, “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” because you & I both know if that was always the cause your home would rival the city landfill. Me too, Mama. But maybe you don’t have to take the trash out tonight. 

I see you, Mama, holding baby while he sleeps. I see you dressing baby all cute, leaving no time for you to put on makeup. I see you losing sleep because you don’t wanna miss any moments. I see you in your baby and I know all baby sees is you, Mama, loving him. 

Mother of Boys

At some point, I think it was last November, I woke up & realized I was a mother of boys. You know, boys, noises with dirt on them. Not girls, which as we all know, are giggles covered in glitter. But boys. Our accessories here are bibs and pacifiers on clips. No special bows or headbands to be seen. No skirts, dresses, frilly socks, tights, or tutus to be seen in our home. 

& then they were here.

Some 400+ pictures on my iPhone ago. Two little boys in blankets and blue hats. And they’re still so small but they are such little boys. They flirt with women, they poop, pass gas, spit up and then smile about it. Boys. They fight. Already. They have screaming matches and swatting matches. They want all of mama’s attention. Their clothes ar covered in dinosaurs, sharks, monkeys, fish, turtles, lions, all the animals. They drool all the time & you will probably never not see them donning a bib. 

I know the days are coming. With legos, potty training aiming, mud, trucks, sports, and the like. I can’t think that far ahead. If I start thinking ahead I’ll think about broken bones, broken hearts, & worse. No today I’m thinking about the boy on my lap in the shark romper and the boy sitting in his dad’s lap in a shark onesie with boardshorts. Those boys that look at me like I’m the most important woman in their world today. & I think, in this moment, maybe I am the most important woman to 3 whole people…one of which that now needs a diaper change. 😑