Have you heard the song “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me? I’ve loved it since I was in high school, many moons ago. I had my iTunes on shuffle the other day & this song came on. I had to pull the car over because I started crying & I couldn’t quit crying. I love singing along with songs in the car, but the words rang so raw in my ears I couldn’t even form the words without crying.
“Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory…& I know there’ll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that’s what it takes to praise You…Jesus, bring the rain.”
God really has given so much to me and my family in the last few years. I can say He has given graciously and generously with both hands. While so many around me were touched with infertility, we were given twins. When others around me struggled, I was in graduate school with almost no cost. My health stayed level for years. There have been many peaceful years.
Right now I am not in a peaceful season of life. I have 2 very demanding babies. I have less time and sleep and energy than I’ve ever had. Working full time. Teaching has never felt so demanding, so challenging. Every time I turn around I’m sitting in a required meeting or being told of another outside of school event. Nathan has night classes twice a week. My car was wrecked badly. Two months ago. It’s still not fixed. The insurance company of the other driver has been the worst. My heart is in the process of shrinking down (enlarged from the long twin pregnancy). While my car was wrecked, Nathan’s car needs to be replaced because it has real problems. Between the cars and the babies there’s the finances. The stress has been so heavy.
The panic attacks, so many.
Fact: Before July I had never had a panic attack in my entire life. Now I can’t go 2 days without feeling like I can’t breathe. (I’m seeing a doctor about this now.)
Truly it just feels like I’ve entered the wilderness. Wandering in the desert. Not to sound gloomy, but sometimes when I think things are starting to improve…something new and horrific happens.
It’s easy to serve God when He’s giving & generous and you feel His presence. But when the nights are dark, and He takes with both hands…trusting that His plan is sovereign…much easier said than done.
I stopped my daily study reading through Job to change and focus through Psalms. It was becoming just too discouraging. That chorus posted above from “Bring the Rain” has become my personal prayer. I’ll be here psychologically surviving. I seem to be living in a season where others say “just live day to day,” and I can only live hour to hour. Speaking of which, while the boys are still napping this hour demands the laundry to be put away. (When doesn’t it? I do a load every day.)
If you’re there in the rain, just know I’m there with you, waiting to hear His voice. I know we will make it through in this hour, let’s head to the next one. I hope it includes some sleep.