Down with August

I had a panic attack tonight. 

I never used to have panic attacks. Panic attacks, a place in which I can’t control my breathing or how hard my heart is beating or my mind from speeding. I started getting these panic attacks roughly…oh, 4 months ago. 

What a specific time you say?

Well, it coincides with the birth of our twins.  Everything about them compounded with the life I lead before them just spells disaster. Tonight I had another one of those moments. It occurred because it’s August. August is the worst month ever. Don’t believe me?

Ask a teacher. 

I’ve been working nonstop since the middle of July on my classroom and for my students. Working in my classroom where the air conditioning is about as reliable as McDonalds is at getting your order right. Working hard to locate my classroom things that were packed up without me present because maternity leave

All in the prepping in the world means nothing until you get your class list though in the world of the littles. I got my list Thursday afternoon. Then went and sat in inservice Friday morning. The kids showed up for preview day at 1:00. It’s been like a fast forwarding viewing of Titanic sinking on repeat since then. 

Prepare. Help others. Lose a student. Gain three. “My child actually goes by…” Change all their names on things. Pass out papers. Collect. Assemble binders. Send things home. Sort school supplies. Comfort cries. Teach rules and procedures. But make it fun. Stand on concrete floor (under pretty tile) for 14+ hours for the first time since like October because pregnancy. Team meetings. Group planning. Throwing out th plans because the district changed things again. Helping new people, helping people that are floundering. All of these things, so small, small parts of my job that I actually love. All combined make August pretty hard. 

Did I mention my birthday is Friday?

Then I come home. And I love coming home! My babies are so happy to see me! Our nanny is the best. She works whatever hours and makes my kids happy and comfortable in their own home. She sends me updates and pictures. I try to make sure we keep our home organized to make life easier for her and we keep all the snacks on hand. 

Before I had kids at the beginning of the school year, I’d be so exhausted, I’d come home and nap every day the first couple weeks because there is no tired like beginning of the year teacher tired. Now I have infants, and napping isn’t optional. Everyone needs me. So home at 4 to care for kids. Daddy comes home and after a shower he’s hands on with the kids. At this time, all the following occur daily: dinner is made, bottles are made, dishes are either washed or put away, laundry is either started or put away (sometimes both), & trash goes out. 

{I love all those posts about how you shouldn’t bother with these things when your kids are small. I want to know where those people live! The city dump?! I just don’t know how life functions when basic chores get ignored.}

Eventually I get the kids fed 3 times or so from the time I get home until I drag myself to bed between 10-11.  Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

So what happened today?

Baby Lincoln sat up unassisted.

And I missed it. Our nanny took all the pictures and sent them my way (I was at school still then.) and I smiled big smiles. Came home. Same routine. Care for babies, do chores, make food. 

I was thinking about it all while doing my chores and then my breathing got weird and I was crying and I couldn’t get a handle on things. 

Because I am so scared I’m going to miss everything. I am so scared I’m going to blink and miss their lives. 

I went and held my babies and cried and cried and then I started to feel better. 

But oh man,

Do I hate August. 


3 thoughts on “Down with August

  1. My mom is an in-house childcare provider for infants to age 2, and she doesn’t make it a point to tell the parents if the kids hit milestones while they’re with her. It allows the parents to have their first time witnessing it to be full of joy and excitement. I don’t know if you would consider that like a little white lie… but just an idea maybe to discuss with your nanny, that you want updates but maybe not The Big Ones, to avoid that feeling of missing out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I had a supervisor that hated when her nanny would tell her their milestones- she said she would rather come home and have the nanny say “I think he/she is on the verge of walking, you should try working on it with them tonight” so the parent feels they are getting it first hand.


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