I was born in 1988, the late half the of the 80s, and I typically identify as a child of the 90s, because those are the years I remember as a child. I remember during the years I did live with my mom, she would often take us to the library. I would spend as much time as possible there, picking out books. Books were the way I escaped the harder parts of my childhood. However, our small library did have videos we could check out as well. It was the only way we could rent movies, because Blockbuster and Movie Gallery were for families that had money, which we did not. In particular, I remember watching various Rainbow Brite films on VHS. Any 80s kids nodding out there?
I wanted to be Rainbow Brite. She’s exactly what you’re imagining if you’re looking at her not knowing her now. She’s upbeat, she’s optimism, she’s a problem solver, she’s joy embodied, she’s kind, she’s friendly. Rainbow Brite is all the good things. See that little white creature riding on the horse behind her? That’s her sprite, Twink. I actually still have this doll somewhere. I’m semi-determined to find him and bring him to school now.
The thing is, lately I’m not feeling very Rainbow Brite. I’m feeling a lot more like this unibrowed villian:
Murky Dismal and his (giant) sidekick Lurky. Murky lives in The Pits. He is gloomy, loves the clouds, and just feels like a downer all the time. He’s overwhelmed by adulthood. Yes, Murky, me too.
But here I sit, day in, day out, relating a lot more to Murky Dismal than Rainbow Brite. Adulting has been so hard these days. & no, it’s not because I have twin babies and I work full time. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been so overwhelmed by the circumstances of life that you feel like you are drowning! (raises hand) & the sad part is, I am surrounded by people in the same boat. Complaining or even discussing the hard days just brings us all down together & I don’t want to be responsible for sinking the boat. What’s a girl to do? I am fairly certain there isn’t a single area in the major domains of my life that has not had more than it’s share of difficulty thrown at it. Children. Marriage. Finances. Health. Transportation. & Work. There are days where I drive home from work and I just cry about the day I’ve had.
Reader, I am not a crier. I am not overly sensitive. If anything, I’m more prone to just shutting down & shutting out life’s issues.
I’ve sat in meetings, doctor’s offices, stayed up most of the night, discussed with my closest & wisest friends and I’m quite sad to say the result hasn’t changed, the circumstances can’t be helped. There is nothing I can do to change the tide, I’ve been dealt a hand that I must play for the next year, all the while knowing, that not all the cards I’m holding are worth the trouble of effort I will have to put into playing them. I don’t know how to Rainbow Brite the days ahead. I’m also not the sort that wants to drag others down with me. I don’t want pity. I think the worst of it is, the people around me are going through similar seasons of discouragement. I love encouraging others & loving on them when I’m at my best, but here I sit worn down & in survival mode day-to-day. Mentally & emotionally. You cannot give what you do not have. I know this is a season, but why are so so many in this season with me? This is not one of those seasons of life where it’s the more the merrier, quite the opposite. Pity party of 10? No thanks.
Some days my only joy is coming home to my little family.
So full of joy and goodness. All I know day to day is this: “Things have to happen when they do. Sometimes it’s storms & sometimes it’s rainbows. Don’t forget to look up.” So I’ll keep looking up. Maybe the storm will break soon. Maybe I’ll find an umbrella. Or maybe I’all weather the storm in a boat.