The Rain

Have you heard the song “Bring the Rain” by Mercy Me? I’ve loved it since I was in high school, many moons ago. I had my iTunes on shuffle the other day & this song came on. I had to pull the car over because I started crying & I couldn’t quit crying. I love singing along with songs in the car, but the words rang so raw in my ears I couldn’t even form the words without crying.

“Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free, bring me anything that brings You glory…& I know there’ll be days when this life brings me pain, but if that’s what it takes to praise You…Jesus, bring the rain.”

God really has given so much to me and my family in the last few years. I can say He has given graciously and generously with both hands. While so many around me were touched with infertility, we were given twins. When others around me struggled, I was in graduate school with almost no cost. My health stayed level for years. There have been many peaceful years.

Right now I am not in a peaceful season of life. I have 2 very demanding babies. I have less time and sleep and energy than I’ve ever had. Working full time. Teaching has never felt so demanding, so challenging. Every time I turn around I’m sitting in a required meeting or being told of another outside of school event. Nathan has night classes twice a week. My car was wrecked badly. Two months ago. It’s still not fixed. The insurance company of the other driver has been the worst. My heart is in the process of shrinking down (enlarged from the long twin pregnancy). While my car was wrecked, Nathan’s car needs to be replaced because it has real problems. Between the cars and the babies there’s the finances. The stress has been so heavy.

The panic attacks, so many.

Fact: Before July I had never had a panic attack in my entire life. Now I can’t go 2 days without feeling like I can’t breathe. (I’m seeing a doctor about this now.)

Truly it just feels like I’ve entered the wilderness. Wandering in the desert. Not to sound gloomy, but sometimes when I think things are starting to improve…something new and horrific happens.

It’s easy to serve God when He’s giving & generous and you feel His presence. But when the nights are dark, and He takes with both hands…trusting that His plan is sovereign…much easier said than done.

I stopped my daily study reading through Job to change and focus through Psalms. It was becoming just too discouraging. That chorus posted above from “Bring the Rain” has become my personal prayer. I’ll be here psychologically surviving. I seem to be living in a season where others say “just live day to day,” and I can only live hour to hour. Speaking of which, while the boys are still napping this hour demands the laundry to be put away. (When doesn’t it? I do a load every day.)

If you’re there in the rain, just know I’m there with you, waiting to hear His voice. I know we will make it through in this hour, let’s head to the next one. I hope it includes some sleep.


What Twin Pregnancy Left Me With

Herein lies 5 things that come to mind about my 6 month postpartum journey. 

5. Arthritis

Every joint and bend in my body just aches. I can tell you every ounce of weight my boys gain because when I carry them I can feel it quite literally in my bones. On a side note: My weather predictions are more on point than the Weather Channel. 

4. Postpartum Anxiety

It started to settle in around the time the boys turned 4, maybe 4.5 months old. The feeling of overwhelming drowning & things never working in my favor. The panic attacks have consumed many days, and they’re almost never actually about the twins. The car, the car wreck, all the things were being asked to do at work, the people relying on me for help & guidance. It’s not the kids, it’s everything else. Some days are completely fine, I go unscathed. Other days I live on the brink.  

3. Audiobooks

I’ve heard parents don’t have time to read. Try being a twin mom. I’m currently listening to Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire on audiobook on my drives in the morning & afternoons. It provides me with a way to decompress because it is so noisy inside my head. 

2. A Better Husband, Than I Am A Wife

Nathan seemingly has infinite patience with me. I can’t imagine being him on my hard days. Coming home to a maxed out wife and two infants after doing manual labor all day? Sheesh. I don’t know if he just arises to the challenge or if it’s specifically being a dad that’s done it, but he rises above the chaos and stabilizes our home. 

1. 2 Happy Boys

For all the chaos and aches, tears and pains the twins remain two happy little clams. Growing and laughing, cuddling and cooing. They seem immune to the hardships that they have their tiny little hands in. I wouldn’t trade them for all the potatoes in the world. 

Which is saying something, if you know me. 

September 6, 2009

Eight years ago it was September 6, 2009. A Sunday. I remember that detail because I got the phone call before I had woken up to start getting ready for church. It was my senior year in undergrad at Welch College. Back when it was Free Will Baptist Bible College on West End Avenue. Right after Nathan and I had gotten engaged (less than a month after).

I knew. They wouldn’t tell me anything on the phone. I woke up my roommate and told her, “Can you drive me to the hospital? I don’t think I can drive. I don’t think I should drive today. It’s my mom, I think she’s gone. They won’t tell me anything, but I feel like she’s gone.”

& she was. I was 21 and my mom was gone. 

It was a beautiful sunny autumn day. It was one of those days in September when you wake up and the air is just a little bit crisper here in Tennessee and you cannot almost taste autumn in the air. Of course summer wasn’t really over, as it goes in Tennessee, I remember it was much hotter the day we buried her…but that Sunday it was crisp and sunny and clear. 

I was so scattered we went to the wrong hospital. When I did get to the hospital, they took me into a conference room. I remember Becky holding my hand. I remember the floral flats I was wearing. I remember staring at them and waiting. Waiting for a long time. Then a doctor came in. He seemed nice. An older man with sad eyes. He asked me if my parents were still married. He asked me about my siblings and asked me about my mom’s family. Then he told me gently with crossed hands calmly clasped together that my mom was gone. He kept talking, but I didn’t hear anything else he said. 

I do remember the nurse that put her hand on my shoulder. She had pink nails. One of the nails was chipped. She had a kind, open face. I remember my roommate holding my arm. 

“Would you like to go see her?”

“See her? She’s gone. No, I don’t want to see what’s left. No, no, that sounds awful.”

I called my dad. I remember begging my dad to come handle it. I remember saying relatedly, “I’m 21. I’m 21. I don’t know how to do this. I can’t do this. I’m not old enough to do this. I can’t be this adult.”  To my dad’s credit, he quickly said he’d deal with it and told me to put someone on the phone. I signed papers and left the hospital four hours later. When I walked out of Centennial, I walked out without the safety net most people call “Mom.”

At some point I called Nathan. Or someone told him & he called me. I don’t exactly remember. I remember he had found out after church. I remember Stephanie showing up. We all went to the movies and I saw Ponyo. I cried because the little fish-girl didn’t really have a mother either. Exceptionally strange and beautiful movie. I own it of course. 

I remember going back to college that afternoon. I remember being worried that people would want to talk to me about it & I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want pity. I didn’t want the attention. I didn’t to attempt to explain how things were between me and mom. I sat on the ledge outside the music building until the sun started going down. 

I went to bed that night, but didn’t sleep. Then I slept for days. Lots of nightmares. I remember people had found out and were worried about me, but mostly I wanted to be alone. Because the reality was

I was alone. & I needed to figure out how that was supposed to be. 

It turned out fine, I guess. I got married the next year when I was 22. I finished undergrad that year, too. I became a teacher a year after that. Now I have kids. I watched my brothers become men. I’ve worried about my dad every day since I lost my mom. 

(Something happens when you lose a parent. The other parent increases in value x2, because they’re all you have. When they’re gone, you’re an orphan. )

Wrap you mind around that. My mom missed her only daughter graduate college. She missed her daughter achieve her dream. She missed her only daughter’s wedding. She missed her grandchildren. She missed her baby boys grow up. She missed them graduating high school. She missed so much life. Do you know she would’ve loved it all? You can’t tell me she wouldn’t love my babies. She’d be living with us by now if she was still alive so she could be near them. I don’t have a mom anymore, I’m a brand new mom, with no mom; I remember this time last year when I was pregnant and I was heartbroken about this concept. My children have one grandma, that’s all they’ve ever had. My husband has no mother in law. I have no mother. My brother has no mother. 

The last thing I’ll say on the subject is my mom was such a sad soul. Love your parents. One day you’ll wake up, maybe on a beautiful sunny day, and you won’t have the. 

Rainbow Brite, Murky Dismal, & the Color Kids

I was born in 1988, the late half the of the 80s, and I typically identify as a child of the 90s, because those are the years I remember as a child.  I remember during the years I did live with my mom, she would often take us to the library.  I would spend as much time as possible there, picking out books.  Books were the way I escaped the harder parts of my childhood.  However, our small library did have videos we could check out as well.  It was the only way we could rent movies, because Blockbuster and Movie Gallery were for families that had money, which we did not.  In particular, I remember watching various Rainbow Brite films on VHS.  Any 80s kids nodding out there?

Rainbow Brite

I wanted to be Rainbow Brite.  She’s exactly what you’re imagining if you’re looking at her not knowing her now.  She’s upbeat, she’s optimism, she’s a problem solver, she’s joy embodied, she’s kind, she’s friendly.  Rainbow Brite is all the good things.  See that little white creature riding on the horse behind her?  That’s her sprite, Twink.  I actually still have this doll somewhere.  I’m semi-determined to find him and bring him to school now.

The thing is, lately I’m not feeling very Rainbow Brite.  I’m feeling a lot more like this unibrowed villian:

Murky Lurky

Murky Dismal and his (giant) sidekick Lurky.  Murky lives in The Pits.  He is gloomy, loves the clouds, and just feels like a downer all the time.  He’s overwhelmed by adulthood.  Yes, Murky, me too. 

But here I sit, day in, day out, relating a lot more to Murky Dismal than Rainbow Brite.  Adulting has been so hard these days.  & no, it’s not because I have twin babies and I work full time.  Raise your hand if you’ve ever been so overwhelmed by the circumstances of life that you feel like you are drowning! (raises hand)  & the sad part is, I am surrounded by people in the same boat.  Complaining or even discussing the hard days just brings us all down together & I don’t want to be responsible for sinking the boat.  What’s a girl to do?  I am fairly certain there isn’t a single area in the major domains of my life that has not had more than it’s share of difficulty thrown at it.  Children.  Marriage.  Finances.  Health.  Transportation.  & Work.  There are days where I drive home from work and I just cry about the day I’ve had.

Reader, I am not a crier.  I am not overly sensitive.  If anything, I’m more prone to just shutting down & shutting out life’s issues. 

I’ve sat in meetings, doctor’s offices, stayed up most of the night, discussed with my closest & wisest friends and I’m quite sad to say the result hasn’t changed, the circumstances can’t be helped.  There is nothing I can do to change the tide, I’ve been dealt a hand that I must play for the next year, all the while knowing, that not all the cards I’m holding are worth the trouble of effort I will have to put into playing them.  I don’t know how to Rainbow Brite the days ahead.  I’m also not the sort that wants to drag others down with me.  I don’t want pity. I think the worst of it is, the people around me are going through similar seasons of discouragement. I love encouraging others & loving on them when I’m at my best, but here I sit worn down & in survival mode day-to-day. Mentally & emotionally. You cannot give what you do not have. I know this is a season, but why are so so many in this season with me? This is not one of those seasons of life where it’s the more the merrier, quite the opposite. Pity party of 10? No thanks. 

Some days my only joy is coming home to my little family.

 They quite remind me of the Color Kids. 

So full of joy and goodness. All I know day to day is this: “Things have to happen when they do. Sometimes it’s storms & sometimes it’s rainbows. Don’t forget to look up.” So I’ll keep looking up. Maybe the storm will break soon. Maybe I’ll find an umbrella. Or maybe I’all weather the storm in a boat. 

Sun & Moon

This week our twins, Lincoln & Logan, will turn five months old. I’m simultaneously torn between wanting to freeze time & wanting to see the next stage. Each stage seems to be more precious than the last. I’ve really been enjoying month four. This month much more personality has emerged in each boy. I see Nathan and myself in each kid, in different ways. 

Lincoln, older by 3 minutes, exudes many personality traits of his Mama. He isn’t calm, he does not like to wait, and he’s outgoing. He’s also 100% little dude. He loves burping, tooting, & pooping. He wakes up all sunshine in the morning. He loves thrilling activities. You can pick him up by his feet, toss him in the air, etc. the more dangerous the activity, the more he laughs & smiles. He is always on the move. I’d wager he will walk first. He flirts with all the ladies, everywhere we go. He snores. He snorts when he laughs. He sticks everything in his mouth. He is demanding. He wants to touch everything. Now he is growing blonde hair. His other hobbies include: random shouting, fighting naps, sticking his fingers in his throat causing him to gag himself, listening to stories, smacking things in the exersaucer. 

Logan, our baby, gets a lot of traits from his daddy. He’s an old soul, a quiet man, a quirky little guy. He’s growing brown hair. He’s leery of strangers, but loves being held.  He wakes up and quietly plays with his feet for awhile before he informs you that indeed, he’s ready for attention. He loves music & when you sing at him. He smiles with his entire face. He has great eye contact and so much wants to communicate with Lincoln (who won’t look at him most of the time). He sleeps through the night, isn’t interested in standing or crawling, and seemingly wants to be my baby always. He won’t hold his bottle, loves to cuddle up with me, and enjoys being in the swing. When he does cry, he makes sounds dogs can hear, and he’s the kind of baby that stays happy when he’s sick. I think he’s empathic, he is extra sweet when I’m having a hard day. 

They are my sun & my moon, respectively. 

Down with August

I had a panic attack tonight. 

I never used to have panic attacks. Panic attacks, a place in which I can’t control my breathing or how hard my heart is beating or my mind from speeding. I started getting these panic attacks roughly…oh, 4 months ago. 

What a specific time you say?

Well, it coincides with the birth of our twins.  Everything about them compounded with the life I lead before them just spells disaster. Tonight I had another one of those moments. It occurred because it’s August. August is the worst month ever. Don’t believe me?

Ask a teacher. 

I’ve been working nonstop since the middle of July on my classroom and for my students. Working in my classroom where the air conditioning is about as reliable as McDonalds is at getting your order right. Working hard to locate my classroom things that were packed up without me present because maternity leave

All in the prepping in the world means nothing until you get your class list though in the world of the littles. I got my list Thursday afternoon. Then went and sat in inservice Friday morning. The kids showed up for preview day at 1:00. It’s been like a fast forwarding viewing of Titanic sinking on repeat since then. 

Prepare. Help others. Lose a student. Gain three. “My child actually goes by…” Change all their names on things. Pass out papers. Collect. Assemble binders. Send things home. Sort school supplies. Comfort cries. Teach rules and procedures. But make it fun. Stand on concrete floor (under pretty tile) for 14+ hours for the first time since like October because pregnancy. Team meetings. Group planning. Throwing out th plans because the district changed things again. Helping new people, helping people that are floundering. All of these things, so small, small parts of my job that I actually love. All combined make August pretty hard. 

Did I mention my birthday is Friday?

Then I come home. And I love coming home! My babies are so happy to see me! Our nanny is the best. She works whatever hours and makes my kids happy and comfortable in their own home. She sends me updates and pictures. I try to make sure we keep our home organized to make life easier for her and we keep all the snacks on hand. 

Before I had kids at the beginning of the school year, I’d be so exhausted, I’d come home and nap every day the first couple weeks because there is no tired like beginning of the year teacher tired. Now I have infants, and napping isn’t optional. Everyone needs me. So home at 4 to care for kids. Daddy comes home and after a shower he’s hands on with the kids. At this time, all the following occur daily: dinner is made, bottles are made, dishes are either washed or put away, laundry is either started or put away (sometimes both), & trash goes out. 

{I love all those posts about how you shouldn’t bother with these things when your kids are small. I want to know where those people live! The city dump?! I just don’t know how life functions when basic chores get ignored.}

Eventually I get the kids fed 3 times or so from the time I get home until I drag myself to bed between 10-11.  Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it. 

So what happened today?

Baby Lincoln sat up unassisted.

And I missed it. Our nanny took all the pictures and sent them my way (I was at school still then.) and I smiled big smiles. Came home. Same routine. Care for babies, do chores, make food. 

I was thinking about it all while doing my chores and then my breathing got weird and I was crying and I couldn’t get a handle on things. 

Because I am so scared I’m going to miss everything. I am so scared I’m going to blink and miss their lives. 

I went and held my babies and cried and cried and then I started to feel better. 

But oh man,

Do I hate August. 

Just a Little Request

Dear Babies,

My heart absolutely breaks over the idea of you getting older. So please, don’t. I wish you’d stay this small always, in so many ways, I really wish this. I love you, small babies. I love the way you smell after a bath, warm & indescribable-baby-scented. I love your little gummy smiles, mouths unchecked with evil teeth. I love how your whole face lights up when I talk or sing to you. I love watching your little hairs grow, remember when you didn’t even have eyelashes? I remember. I love the way you hold your pacifiers in with tiny, closed fists. I love how you long to be held, to cuddle, to snuggle with me. I love how you make me feel important, needed, & the most special woman in the world.  I love how you don’t think to doubt me, but instead always trust me to care for you. Little babies I think and talk about you all the time, and I love sharing pictures of you. I love hearing other people vocalize the things I see in you, how beautiful, happy, funny, & precious you are. Please don’t get bigger, babies, I’m scared of what the word will do to you. I’m so scared I can’t protect you from the evil in this world. Can you please stay small? Small enough that I can pick you up & hold you against my heart. Babies, I love how you now know each other, talk to each other in your special way, laugh at each other, and reach for each other. I love the way you play with your dad and the people you’re turning us into. Can you stay so small? So small that when you wake up in the night your first thought is, I want my Mama, she makes everything better. I love your chubby cheeks & your tiny toes. I love your huge bright eyes & bobbleheads. I love your leg rolls & how absolutely none of your clothes fit right. I love how you sleep in longer chunks now, and how big you can yawn. I love how your problems are so limited. Hunger, wet diaper, exhaustion, or loneliness. I love how easy it is to soothe away your tantrums and how forgiving people are when I take you out in public. Little babies, I love how you love blankets, music, and me. Honestly, what if you grow up & you quit loving me as much as you do now? I don’t know if I can handle it. So I’m asking you the impossible, little babies, I know, but can you still little as long as a little while can last? Just a little while longer, please, cause I’d like to make it last. 



10 Fictional Characters I Relate To (& Love)

I have watched my share of television. I always try to find characters I relate to, some series feature a character I relate to more than others. I’m going to share 10 of mine, feel free to share some of yours, or let me know if you relate to some of them, too!  I am strictly relegating this to television series. 

10. Olivia Dunham: Fringe

Bad things happened to her, things she doesn’t remember. A man spends his life trying to convince her he truly loves her.  I pled, yet simple, just trying to do her job, but she gets caught up in a mess. She also usually fixes it and somehow learns something along the way. 

9. Bernadette Rostenkowski: The Big Bang Theory

Embrace your inner nerd. Bernadette resonates with my nerdy tendencies and how I too, married a nerdy good guy. 

8. Lily Aldrin: How I Met Your Mother

She’s the glue that holds everyone together. Wife, mother, friend. Constantly questioning herself, but her good motives always shine through her blunders. 

7. Julia Braverman: Parenthood

Uptight, controlling, type a personality. Gets thrown a lot of life at once. Struggles to make life better. 

6. Juliet Burke: Lost

Know it all. Passionate about helping others. Hurt immensely by her past. Brilliant. 

5. Cristina Yang: Grey’s Anatomy

She needs a person. She gets cynical, dark, & twisty inside. Others make her better. Fiercely intelligent and competitive. 

4. Rory Gilmore: Gilmore Girls

Let me begin with a #TeamLogan and then move on to say #AnyoneButDean. Rory is a smart girl, from a poor home, chatty, big dreams, big heart, small town. 

3. Pam Beesly: The Office

I like Pam. She’s entirely ordinary. Normal life. Normal things happen to her. She’s witty and friendly, she doesn’t stir the drama pot. 

2. Shawn Hunter: Boy Meets World

The only male to make the list. I grew up watching Shawn Hunter grow up on television and hoping and praying he’d turn out okay in the end because I needed to know I’d turn out okay in the end. Spoiler: We did. 

1. Monica Gellar: Friends 

Like many women, I’m a Monica. Obsessive, OCD, people-pleasing, loser-becomes-likeable, kind, but crazy Monica. I even cook & clean. I plan and organize. No surprise here. 

10 Movies That Will Make You Feel Good About The World

If you’re needing a movie pick-me-up Have I got the list for you! I’ve been thinking about movies that I gravitate toward when I want to feel better about the world or my life, those films I watch again & again and came up with this list. Something here is guaranteed to cheer your soul.

10. Meet the Robinsons (Animated)

This Disney film is vastly underrated. Upon first glance, it doesn’t look like something I’d personally be interested in, but hear me out, the storyline is beautiful and touching. This movie is the story of an orphan boy, who gets the opportunity to go into the future, back to the past, all to look for his mother who left him; only to find the family he never knew he’d have. A story of perseverance, learning to let others love you, the value of hard work, & “keep moving forward.” I happy-ugly cry at the ending, every single time I watch it.

9. Forrest Gump (Drama/Historical)

A classic. I feel like I understand more things about this film every time I watch it. Granted, it is a long film, but I always come away from it with a sense of peace. Like if Forrest can make it through life, I can, too. Also, although it’s a fiction I love the looks into history it provides my non-historical oriented mind. “My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”

8. Hitch (Romantic Comedy)

Will Smith should get some awards. Honestly, I don’t know that he hasn’t, but he’s a wonderful actor to me. Hitch is hands-down my favorite comedy to watch when I’m feeling down. It’s so funny, so sweet, just a guy who wants to make life easier for other men that are out there trying to get the girl. Kevin James stars alongside Smith in this film as the most awkward man in history with his sights set on winning the heart of a Diaz-like actress.  “So how does it happen, great love? Nobody knows… but what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye. One moment you’re enjoying your life, and the next you’re wondering how you ever lived without them.”

7. Miracle on 34th Street (Christmas)

Christmas movies always make me feel better about the world. I fall in the minority here, but I love the newer version of this movie. A very serious little girl grows up not believing in Santa with her single mom during the Christmas season. But she comes to believe she’s met the real Santa and has to work with a lawyer & her mother to prove to New York that he’s the real deal. I’m not just a whimsical figure who wears a charming suit and affects a jolly demeanor. You know, I I I’m a symbol. I’m a symbol of the human ability to be able to suppress the selfish and hateful tendencies that rule the major part of our lives. If you can’t believe, if you can’t accept anything on faith, then you’re doomed for a life dominated by doubt.”

6. Big Fish (Adventure/Drama)

This movie is strange, but I love it every time.  You follow the life of Edward Bloom, from birth to death, as his jaded son looks back on the “tall tales” his father has always told.  The stories of his life, weather real or not (you decide) are entrancing.  It’s a star-studded cast for the adventurer who loves a good story.  There’s a scene that has always stuck with me. “Sandra Templeton, I love you and I WILL marry you!”

Big Fish
5. Rise of the Guardians (Animated/Christmas)

I don’t know if I’m going to teach the twins to believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny, Santa, etc. but this movie (featuring them) makes me wonder.  Meet Jack Frost, he just wants to be seen.  In this movie, he fights with the other Guardians to defeat Pitch Black (voiced by Jude Law) who is trying to fill the world with his nightmares.  There’s something beautiful that every childlike heart can relate to; how to overcome your fears, how chilling it is to wake up in a cold sweat from a nightmare, how encouraging it is to have something to believe in.  I particularly enjoy the voice actors here, Chris Pine & Jude Law.  “We go by many names, and take many forms. We bring wonder and hope, we bring joy and dreams.”

4. Spirited Away (Anime)

My friend, Laura, introduced me to Hayao Miyazaki with this film.  He is an excellent film writer & director.  This is a beautiful story and the animation is breathtaking.  During her family’s move to the suburbs, a sullen 10-year-old girl wanders into a world ruled by gods, witches, and spirits, and where humans are changed into beasts.  I can’t relate to the story as an American (but who can really relate to an anime story line?), but I can appreciate it.  I can appreciate fighting for your parents.  I can appreciate having to work hard as a child.  I can appreciate fighting for what’s right and helping friends and being kind.  Watch it.  You won’t be disappointed.  “What’s going on here?  Something you wouldn’t recognize.  It’s called love.”

3. Practical Magic (Comedy/Fantasy)

This is a very personal choice for me.  I take you back to the 90’s, with a young Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman.  If you are a woman, you are either a Sally or a Gillian.  As a younger person I was a Gillian, 28 year old me is a Sally.  This was my best friend’s very favorite movie and we identified oppositely.  Two witch sisters, raised by their eccentric aunts in a small town, face closed-minded prejudice and a curse which threatens to prevent them ever finding lasting love. No, I’m not a witch, but I watch this movie at least 3 times a year.  The soundtrack is pretty amazing too, by the way.  “Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. “

2. Matilda (Children/Comedy)

“Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.”  Confession:  I wanted to be Miss Honey when I grew up.  I knew I wanted to be a teacher, but I wanted to be the Miss Honey sort of teacher.  The kind that really cared for her students.  I’m doing okay at that.  Matilda is a wonderful little girl, who happens to be a genius, and her wonderful teacher vs. the worst parents ever and the worst school principal imaginable.

1. You’ve Got Mail (Romantic Comedy)

A lot of people would file this away as a typical romcom, but for whatever reason, I love it.  I love Meg Ryan, she may be my spirit animal (or actress, lol), and Tom Hanks is adorkable in this film.  Kathleen owns a small book shop, Joe and his patriarchy own a “big brand” book store.  Joe’s company buys out all the book shops in the area and Kathleen is distraught trying to live out her dreams while the big bad bookstore tries to crush her spirit.  Meanwhile, Joe and Kathleen have met in a chat room (Remember THOSE days?) and have become fast anonymous friends.  “The odd thing about this form of communication is that you’re more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings.”

100 Thoughts I Had Walking Back Into My Classroom Today

  1. My to-do list is a whole page long. 
  2. I’m gonna get a lot done today. 
  3. Nope. Nope. No, I’m not. 
  4. Why are there so many desks?
  5. Where are the matching chairs?
  6. Thank goodness Jill’s kids will work for cookies. 
  7. Jill’s son is like a grown man now. What?
  8. If I listen to this boy talk nonstop, he is helpful. 
  9. Former student! Aw, he’s so big!
  10. I’m hot. Is there air broken again?
  11. Great.  I look like garbage. 
  12. Okay, the furniture is in place & I didn’t scratch the floor!
  13. How many spiders have taken up residence in my classroom? I’ve encountered 3 dead ones and 7 live ones so far. 
  14. Make that 8.
  15. I’m tired. 
  16. My colleagues are much farther ahead of me. 
  17. My colleagues look so much more put together than me. 
  18. Come on body! Get it together. 
  19. I wonder what my babies are doing?
  20. I’m hot. Is the air broken again?
  21. Let me just FaceTime Nathan at home with the babies. 
  22. They’re so cute! Laughing! Aw!
  23. I should go home. Now. 
  24. Nope. Stay the course. Work. 
  25. I need to switch out my bulletin boards. 
  26. I don’t want to. 
  27. Do it anyway. 
  28. Where’s my staple remover?
  29. Where’s my stapler?
  30. I need to start a shopping list. Add stapler. 
  31. Cross off stapler. 
  32. This would be so much easier if I had been here at the end of last year. 
  33. I have no regrets. 
  34. Let me go check and see how Emily is doing. 
  35. That was a mistake. I want to cry. Her room looks so much cuter than mine. 
  36. My new calendar set is adorable!
  37. Ashley is such an encouraging mom!
  38. For the fifth time, I didn’t bring the twins because I would not get anything done. Also, it’s too hot here. 
  39. Work wall complete. 
  40. So many visitors today!
  41. Yay! All the lightbulbs in my 4 lamps still work!
  42. I’m so glad I laminated all this stuff early. 
  43. I’m tired. 
  44. I think I spent all my BEP funds already. 
  45. Where is my broom?
  46. Gone. Long gone. 
  47. Add broom to shopping list. 
  48. I should go to the restroom. 
  49. I can wait. 
  50. Shirley’s grand babies are so precious!
  51. I need to switch out the water filter on the sink. 
  52. That’s gross. 
  53. 4 dead spiders. 1 unidentifiable insect. 
  54. Drink water. 
  55. Free stuff?!
  56. What happened to my rug?
  57. Sara is so sweet to let me borrow her carpet cleaner. 
  58. Let me just call home. 
  59. I wanna go home.
  60. My library is a wreck. 
  61. I’ll organize that later.
  62. Like next week. 
  63. It’s not that hot in here. 
  64. Tylenol. 
  65. Drink water. 
  66. I’m tired. 
  67. Time to eat lunch. With Emily!
  68. Marianne is the sweetest!
  69. I love her library. Her shelves are the best ever. 
  70. Bianca’s curtains are pretty!
  71. The school looks really great!
  72. There are a lot of new teachers this year. Again. I hope they like me. 
  73. That bruise on my leg looks awful. 
  74. I don’t need this. I don’t need that. 
  75. I wish I had taken time to drink coffee this morning. 
  76. It was so sweet of Cassie to donate supplies to my classroom!
  77. I need to take this to Christina’s classroom. 
  78. I need a mini fridge. 
  79. I can pick it up today! Huzzah!
  80. Pfftt. I need to pump. 
  81. Okay now I have to go to the restroom. 
  82. Better. What now?
  83. Oh! I know. Fix the hallway work display. 
  84. That looks good. Are those clips evenly spaced?
  85. Nope. Oh well. 
  86. I miss my babies. 
  87. I’m gonna need to write lesson plans. 
  88. Later. Like much later. 
  89. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
  90. That’s trash. 
  91. I have FIVE trash cans?
  92. And only 1 has a liner?
  93. Where are my student whiteboards?
  94. My rug is curling from being rolled up all summer. 
  95. Bye bye old classroom themes of years past! Don’t let the door hit ya on the way out!
  96. Maybe someone new wants this stuff because free is free when you’re new. 
  97. I mean, none of my things matched my first year. 
  98. I want to leave. 
  99. I’m going to leave. 
  100. I’m exhausted. My to-do list is 3 pages long. I didn’t get anything done today.